A close relative of mine…someone I was raised with and looked up to all of my life is incapable of showing me love when I really need it.  All of my life I have clung to those moments that he has shown me kindness, compassion and warmth.  Those moments when I felt truly loved by him.  Yet, through my darkest hour…during the time of my life when I truly needed him to love, protect and hold me in his arms, he couldn’t give me what I needed.

The Serenity Prayer

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Please God, help me to accept that I may never experience the love, empathy and compassion that I really need from the man that I have grown up loving.  I have spent so many years hoping that one day I would be worthy enough to be loved by him.  However, through all of this I realize that I am worthy. I am worthy of love, but he is incapable of showing me the love and compassion that I need.

The anger that is inside of me from constantly feeling not good enough festers in the depths of my soul.  I could forgive if I wasn’t constantly being cut by him…Just as the wounds begin to heal from past hurts, I am given new wounds…A never ending cycle of hurt and pain.

My hope has been unwavering as I have faith in the Lord. My heart has been persistently hopeful that things might change.  That his apologies will mean real change leading to a real relationship.  However, I am beginning to realize that this may never come to fruition.  I DON’T GET TO HAVE HIS LOVE.  I have to accept this fact…and I am devastated.